a time to refrain from embracing.

And I'd join the movement
If there was one I could believe in
Yeah, I'd break bread and wine
If there was a church I could receive in
'Cause I need it now -
U2

In recent times, I've felt myself stuck, if you can call it that, in a sort of overarching viewpoint for pretty much anything. Religion and spirituality come to mind, as I can look at systems and see how they fit into an elaborate tapestry, but can't seem to fit into a particular portion of that tapestry at all. This is not answered by the idea of 'well, you shouldn't fit into a mold' in that I can't find myself involved with any system or methodology, and systems are how one interacts with these things. I find it handy to call myself 'Taoist' because it describes the workings-around but specifically by not fitting into anything else fully. Labels are only ascriptions, but they're around for a reason, and if not assumed to be the fullness of the subject, then they represent the ability to at least bookmark a mental-emotional space and say "ok, I'm here for now."

This seems to fit with relationships while up here. With the exception of my heart, there's not been a real connection with anyone yet, and it's been six months. I've been outgoing, but not outreaching - I realize this, and that's unusual, but also the times when I've tried to establish some sort of link, it has invariably fallen through. It's just odd. I'm not ascribing anything special about the situation, and I'm pretty sure my own behaviour is the primary factor, and it has even begun translating into my longer term friendships from back home. I'll sometimes watch my instant messenger list of friends, miss them, think about what I could discuss with them, maybe even run my fingers over their name for a moment. All of that, and I rarely reach out. I'm mentioning it here because it feels slidingly similar to the spirituality question.

And I shouldn't have to mention my career thing again, as those following at home can certainly do the simple arithematic involved.

What's odd is that I'm usually quite ok with things in these regards - I'll notice them, think how I should be feeling unmoored, lonely or hopeless, so I'll make some half-assed effort to feel that, then forget about it. Of course, the reichvonzwei factor plays a big part in that. Still, I guess that fits as well. I don't know where I am in relation to God, the Universe and Everything, but I can't even pin down how it makes me feel. It's something like a little tune you hum to yourself all afternoon long while doing yardwork that has no set melody or tempo, and it actually makes you quite happy -- until you think about it.